Where To Stash The Package?

Guest poster Jeff Hemmel asks something that is germane to only a portion of the Bike Noob readership.  The distaff lot might want to read a different blog.  Just this once.

Okay, I know I’m walking a fine line here, but lately I’ve been revisiting just where I stash my, uh, package when I ride. C’mon admit it, you’ve probably had the same questions at one time or another. Bike shorts are tight, and there’s not really a whole lot of wiggle room to maneuver. Adjust things just right and you’re a happy camper. Adjust them wrong and you’re squirming in the saddle during your ride, and wondering why you look the size of a pre-pubescent teen when you jump in the shower afterwards.

I’ll be honest, as much as I’m obsessing on it at the moment, I hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought as of late. I’ve fiddled with my position on the bike, settled on an acceptable saddle, and kind of found my groove…so to speak. That’s when I was assaulted by the vision of Liquigas-Cannondale pro Ted King in a lime green pair of shorts.

To be fair, Ted seems like a pretty cool guy. I’m even a little bit of a fan, following his IamTedKing.com website, as well as his Twitter updates. He’s funny (even if he is a little obsessed with culinary skills). But in the aforementioned picture, I couldn’t help noticing, no one could help noticing, that Ted is well…uh…let’s just say he’s an up front kind of guy. (C’mon, I’m writing in a little bit of code here, but let’s face facts…it’s a little bit weird to be writing about another guy’s junk.) And in that one moment, I suddenly began to question the way I’ve been doing things all these years.

So I Googled it. (Let’s see me try to explain that one when all those Google records come back to haunt me someday.) Thus came what I’ll call Assault To The Eyes #2 — this pic of what appears to be a Polish cycling team in red shorts. Apparently, this whole team is rather happy.

Obviously, I’m not a fan of this position. It just feels a little precarious to me. As Kramer told Jerry, “my boys need a house,” and I’m not sure I want any member of the clan peeking out the front door. Sure, it’s probably somewhat comfortable, but I’d feel a little too vulnerable exposed like that should I encounter any mishaps along the way. I’d also feel a little bit like I just stepped into the middle of some cheesy cycling porn film. I tried it the other day wearing my lone white pair of shorts (to be fair they were the only ones not in the laundry and I was planning all along on wearing them UNDER a pair of black tights) and I swear some of that “bow-chick-a-bow-wow” music suddenly started playing in the background.

Of course, hiding everyone in the cellar isn’t the best strategy, either. It’s cramped down there, and bike seats aren’t the most forgiving cushion should you hit a bump. Personally I try to just stuff everything front and center, but that doesn’t always work the best, either.

So I’m throwing it out there. Is there a correct method? The only thing I’m sure of at the moment is to always, always, always wear black…


  1. Michael says

    Front and center, pulled up, and always black shorts.

    You can also try “double bagging” with a non padded short over the top.
    I think a cup would probably chafe a bit. :0

  2. Ian N says

    One of the issues with the shortage of a ‘modesty panel’, is that your package is, to coin a phrase, presented on a platter. I have only black shorts, and usually wear safety-yellow shirts untucked to distract the viewer.

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