Bike Noob

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Where To Stash The Package?

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Guest poster Jeff Hemmel asks something that is germane to only a portion of the Bike Noob readership.  The distaff lot might want to read a different blog.  Just this once.

Okay, I know I’m walking a fine line here, but lately I’ve been revisiting just where I stash my, uh, package when I ride. C’mon admit it, you’ve probably had the same questions at one time or another. Bike shorts are tight, and there’s not really a whole lot of wiggle room to maneuver. Adjust things just right and you’re a happy camper. Adjust them wrong and you’re squirming in the saddle during your ride, and wondering why you look the size of a pre-pubescent teen when you jump in the shower afterwards.

I’ll be honest, as much as I’m obsessing on it at the moment, I hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought as of late. I’ve fiddled with my position on the bike, settled on an acceptable saddle, and kind of found my groove…so to speak. That’s when I was assaulted by the vision of Liquigas-Cannondale pro Ted King in a lime green pair of shorts.

To be fair, Ted seems like a pretty cool guy. I’m even a little bit of a fan, following his IamTedKing.com website, as well as his Twitter updates. He’s funny (even if he is a little obsessed with culinary skills). But in the aforementioned picture, I couldn’t help noticing, no one could help noticing, that Ted is well…uh…let’s just say he’s an up front kind of guy. (C’mon, I’m writing in a little bit of code here, but let’s face facts…it’s a little bit weird to be writing about another guy’s junk.) And in that one moment, I suddenly began to question the way I’ve been doing things all these years.

So I Googled it. (Let’s see me try to explain that one when all those Google records come back to haunt me someday.) Thus came what I’ll call Assault To The Eyes #2 — this pic of what appears to be a Polish cycling team in red shorts. Apparently, this whole team is rather happy.

Obviously, I’m not a fan of this position. It just feels a little precarious to me. As Kramer told Jerry, “my boys need a house,” and I’m not sure I want any member of the clan peeking out the front door. Sure, it’s probably somewhat comfortable, but I’d feel a little too vulnerable exposed like that should I encounter any mishaps along the way. I’d also feel a little bit like I just stepped into the middle of some cheesy cycling porn film. I tried it the other day wearing my lone white pair of shorts (to be fair they were the only ones not in the laundry and I was planning all along on wearing them UNDER a pair of black tights) and I swear some of that “bow-chick-a-bow-wow” music suddenly started playing in the background.

Of course, hiding everyone in the cellar isn’t the best strategy, either. It’s cramped down there, and bike seats aren’t the most forgiving cushion should you hit a bump. Personally I try to just stuff everything front and center, but that doesn’t always work the best, either.

So I’m throwing it out there. Is there a correct method? The only thing I’m sure of at the moment is to always, always, always wear black…


I Need To Ride

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Guest poster Jeff Hemmel has been away from biking for a bit, and that’s had him frustrated.

At some point, if you ride long enough or just become hopelessly addicted to cycling, getting out for a ride changes from a “want” to a “need.” I know, because I need to ride right now. Badly.

This has been a pretty good year for me cycling-wise. I’ve averaged about 500 miles per month, and even nudged that total up to about 700 during the fall. My fitness is probably close to an all-time high in terms of endurance, and I’m feeling strong. Or at least, I was feeling strong. After months and months of high mileage, December proved to be one cruel month. Yes, I know I’m a wimp, but we set the record for coldest December in recorded history here in my area. That was already making the month a challenge, but then I got a stomach flu that was raging through my family over the Christmas holidays, just as I was trying to make up for lost time. One minute I was out riding marveling at my hearty immune system, the next I was headed for the…well, I’ll spare you those details. Before I knew it, I was looking at the month’s end feeling weak, dehydrated, and with the fewest miles logged in over a year.

With a new year comes new hope. I got out for my first ride in a week with a friend, and knocked off 45 miles without really feeling the effects of my illness. In fact, I felt really good. Unfortunately the very next day I went in for some rather extensive dental surgery, the unexpected result of an injury I had suffered a year earlier. (Good news – I still have all my teeth!) That stomach that was just beginning to recover has now been assaulted by antibiotics and painkillers, and thanks to a mouthful of stitches that will stay for two weeks, my diet has been limited to mostly liquids and mush. To add insult to injury, the doctor told me I’d need to take about a week off any serious aerobic activity, and even then ease back into it. I’m feeling sore, weak, and depressed…and unable to do the one thing I know will make me feel better.

At the conclusion of his book Tour de Lance, author Bill Strickland quotes Lance Armstrong as saying “I think people are better, smarter, more present, and more patient when they’ve done some type of exercise—that goes for an eight-year-old and a sixty-eight-year-old—and I need more, perhaps than most people, to get the results I want.” Strickland goes on to note there’s some scientific evidence to back up Armstrong’s theory, specifically when it comes to cycling. Basically, cycling mixes sustained aerobic exercise with complex brain functions — balance, timing, and spatial awareness. For that reason, it may literally be able to “soothe” the brain. Studies at universities including Vanderbilt, Johns Hopkins, and Georgetown back up this theory. I know I feel much happier after I’ve returned from a good ride. Sometimes, if I feel I’ve ridden particularly well or hung with certain people on a group ride, I’m almost giddy.

Right now, however, I’m going crazy. Somewhere along the line, between accomplishing that first 30-mile ride and riding my first century, between trying to fit in rides around life to fitting life around rides, riding a bicycle has gone from something I want to do to something I need in my life. That’s why today, with my doctor’s blessing, I’m getting out on the road, sore mouth and stitches and bad conditioning and all.

Because, as a lot of you will understand perfectly well, I really have no other choice…

Cool Weather — What To Wear?

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Our Florida-based guest poster Jeff Hemmel is going to tell us how to dress for chilly weather.

The mercury finally dipped in Florida this past week, leaving me to once again ponder the question of what to wear when it gets cold. Sure, that term is relative — the cold I’m talking about is weather in the low 50s during the early morning hours. But often coupled with high winds coming off the water, it can feel downright chilly. Definitely not shorts and short-sleeve jersey weather.

But after years of riding through varying Florida winters, I’m still not quite sure what the appropriate outfit is. This past Sunday, with temps around 56 and winds gusting as high as 30 mph, I rode in a wicking base layer shirt, long-sleeve jersey, lightweight jacket and tights, and half-finger gloves…and was cold almost the entire way. Those high winds felt brutal, and got only worse as my entry-level name-brand jacket, not exactly the most breathable garment, just seemed to trap in the sweat and chill me to the core.

My legs never really seem to be the problem. It’s my core. In really cold conditions a thermal base layer, long-sleeve jersey and that very same jacket seem to do the trick. But in these middle temperatures I’m lost. That’s why I’ve spent a lot of time the last few days looking through the mail-order catalogs and perusing the clothing company websites.

Part of me thinks a good thermal jersey is what I need, eliminating the nylon jacket altogether, as it’s usually dry and sunny. Another part of me wonders if I just need a better, more breathable jacket, one that wouldn’t build up the moisture within, but instead vent it out. And then there are those that would say, in such temperatures, I should be able to get by with just arm warmers and a wind vest.

Or maybe it’s my hands and feet. Maybe I need full-finger gloves and wool socks to warm my extremities. After all, didn’t our moms all say that if we were cold to put on a hat? (Speaking of the head, I often wear a headband in the cold to protect my ears, which seem particularly vulnerable on cool, windy days.)

So I’m tossing it out for discussion. What have other riders found to be the best combination of clothing for such weather conditions? Obviously I don’t care to be cold, but I also don’t want to overdress and get chilled from the sweat.

Have you found a good combination of clothing that works for you?

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